[For Liebgott]

[thewordofweb]

The obituary had been burning a hole in my pocket for weeks now. The couple of them. I'd been keeping them from Joe, tucked away in secret places he would never look, thinking I would tell him everything over dinner one night, some throwaway mention as I brushed my thumb against his palm, a soft '...so about our future, I may not be in it?' That's not going to happen. First came that fucking uniform and then Joe got his brain near-stolen.

So I've left it. I left it amidst the piles of his homework and I went to find Blair to try and find some absolution over my being such a coward. Now, I have to go back. It's been hours and if he hasn't found it, then I'm in trouble from being gone during dinner. If he has found it, well, I don't know what to expect, but I don't think it's going to be good.

I lean my head on the door for what feels like eternity. It's only five minutes. I count quietly, one-one-thousand...

This is going to take as much bravery as any jump and I push the door open and close it behind myself, just standing there and waiting to see what's going to happen.

Comments

[thewordofweb.livejournal.com]

"Because you can't control everything, Joe," I say quietly, not daring to take my eyes off of his face. I inhale sharply, a deep sniff, and try and set myself back in order. I didn't believe him when he said those three words before. Maybe now I do. Maybe it just took time to sink in. Bullshit, though. I know he loves me. I believed it then, too.

I slip away from him, my body going, and I stare at him blearily. "Five miles offshore," I repeat quietly. "Sharks, they think."

[soldier-singled.livejournal.com]

"So don't go five miles off shore." Joe's jaw was tight, colour flushed in his face, so hot it hurt.

"I can't do this. I'm not going to fucking lose you like that."

[thewordofweb.livejournal.com]

How many times have I said this to other people? "You're stronger than I am, Joe," I note, with no great happiness in my tone. "You're strong enough to go on, you're strong enough to deal. And you're strong enough to stop. I don't know if I am." I meet his eyes, begging, pleading. "I can't just not ever go out there again. I love you, you know I do, but a life without the ocean...?"

[soldier-singled.livejournal.com]

"Fuck that."

Joe walks away from Web, puts his back to the wall in the far corner of the room, arms folded across his chest. Every inch of his posture was tense, defensive.

"So you'll keep sailing and you'll fuckin' leave me the same way as you left her, whoever she is, only, this time, you will have done it your fuckin' self. You selfish fucking asshole."

[thewordofweb.livejournal.com]

"Give up haircutting, give up baking, give up...give up the thing you love most outside of people," I get out. "You are what I love most in this world," I say, leveling down on him and crossing the room to try and forcibly unfold his arms, to try and get him to see sense. "I just...Jesus, Joe, I love it out there," I plead, getting closer and trying to get his eye contact. "But I don't want to leave you. I don't. I don't want to ever leave you, Joe. Not ever. Not today or tomorrow or five or ten or fifty years from now! Do you know what that means?"

[soldier-singled.livejournal.com]

"Means I'm stuck with you."

For as long as they get. He's stuck with him for as long as they get, but, Jesus Christ, they fought a war, either of them could've died. People die. It happens, which doesn't mean Joe's got to like it.

"Just promise me you'll be fuckin' careful, you asshole."

[thewordofweb.livejournal.com]

"If you actually came out there with me, you could watch for yourself," I point out as I carefully snake my hand around his waist and lean in, not sure if we're done fighting just yet. My back might get a bit of an ache from the shove, but it's nothing compared to what could have happened. "I've never wanted to be serious about anyone in my life. You?" I get out, that choke in my throat back, for different reasons. "You, I'd be willing to bring home to my parents and earn my father's fucking scorn for. My sister would love you. Cam, too," I say with a quiet laugh.

John? Well, might disown me, but that's brothers for you.

[soldier-singled.livejournal.com]

"I don't think I'm ready to bring you home to my Ma, but yo ain't got any concept of how scary my Ma is."

He actually manages a smile then, leaning back into Webster's hand.

"Maybe I'll start coming out there with you."

[thewordofweb.livejournal.com]

"If she's anything like you, lieb, I have some concept," I assure him, leaning forward as all my weight heaves onto him, like I've been bearing it alone so long and I can't take another moment of it. "If you came, we'd stay shallow. Fish, eat, anchor down, fuck," I list off the possibilities as I let out a quiet sound of content, resting my head on his shoulder. I'm tired. I'm weary. I'm still terrified and lost.

And there's something else. "You really love me? Like...you love to screw me or Shari and Luz love me?"

[soldier-singled.livejournal.com]

"I ain't marrying you," says Joe, one hand coming up to rest warmly against the back of Web's neck.

"But, if I did, I wouldn't be runnin' away. Nobody'd have to come fetch me." He pushes is fingers through Web's hair. "But, yeah, I love to screw you too."

[thewordofweb.livejournal.com]

"Don't take this the wrong way, but like I said. I don't really want to get married, ever. To you or anyone else, here," I say, not knowing what circumstances led me to it at home. I suppose societal demands could have been all that was necessary. That and grilling from my parents. I don't say anything about a family, about kids, because the truth is, the more I think about it, the more I've started to waver on my stance. It wouldn't be so bad, not that our situation allows for it.

"So you really are stuck with me for good," I say in awe, as if everything's just sinking in and my breath is a huff of shock as I gape at him. "Joe. I need to tell you something else," I say, leaning my forehead against his. "I quit therapy."

[soldier-singled.livejournal.com]

Joe frowns, still stroking the back of Webster's neck.

"Why'd you do that? I thought it suited you, talkin' to the Doc like that."

[thewordofweb.livejournal.com]

"He's my age and he's never going to understand what we went through," I say with a quiet little sound of pleasure at the way Joe's touching my neck and I curl up with him, something else coming to mind that I haven't noticed (or I've been forcibly blind to). "Is this why you leave your pillow instead of bringing it in every night?" I ask, sliding my other arm around his waist to ease in close, eager to get away from the topic of my therapy.

[soldier-singled.livejournal.com]

"I fuckin' live here," says Joe, gently, his other hand resting between Web's shoulderblades. "Stupid to keep carting my pillow back and forth for the pretense..."

[thewordofweb.livejournal.com]

"Guess I should have been clearing out space for you," I admit and lean in again, setting us up so the wall can bear our weight. A heavy sigh and I close my eyes, still resting my head on his shoulder. "You fucking love me," I say with an ounce of smugness, laughing as if shocked as I ease in and stay close to him. "Jesus. And you are stuck with me. In an always kind of way, Joe. I hope you get that."

[soldier-singled.livejournal.com]

"Ain't like I can't keep my shit next door," he murmurs, cradling Web against him now that all of the fight's gone out of him.

"I get that. I said it, didn't I?"

[thewordofweb.livejournal.com]

"Hey, Joe?" I murmur, exhausted and peering at him as I step back. "Take me to bed? And then screw me really, really hard as you fucking can."

[soldier-singled.livejournal.com]

Joe smiles, not as broad and as bright as can and does, but genuine, even if he's a little tired around the eyes. He leans in and kisses Web warm and firm and deep, holding o to the back of his neck.

His hips nudge forward like it's the most natural thing in the world.

[thewordofweb.livejournal.com]

My lips part in a desperate effort to devour his mouth or something of the like and I whimper and moan against his lips, a needy sound as much as it is a desperate one and I cinch my arms tighter around his waist for a moment before I ease off. Rapidly, my clothes are shed. Shirt, pants, underwear, undershirt, until I stand before him as naked as I get.

Inches between us, and I keep that way. "What do you want to do to me?"

[soldier-singled.livejournal.com]

"I want you to shut up for once."

Usually, talking dirty, talking about it, it gets Joe going real good, but, today, this time, he doesn't need any of the other shit. He just needs Web underneath him, the warm press of bodies. He just needs to feel that good for a while.

He tugs his shirt over his head and lets it drop, already toeing out of his boots and starting on his pants.

"Just get into bed."

[thewordofweb.livejournal.com]

I nod and go quiet at that, sliding and shuffling under the covers and letting the whisper of blankets comfort me as I wait for him. I sit up and wait to coax him down with me, wanting to feel him as close as he gets and not let him go. If that means I don't say a word, I won't. Not outside the needy blessings I want to rain down on him.

"You look so good," I praise quietly, a slight choke in my voice yet.

[soldier-singled.livejournal.com]

"Not as good as you."

It's the easiest thing in the world to slip between Web's legs, reaching for lube with one hand as he leans down to kiss him, free hand supporting his weight.

"I'm still pissed at you," he mumbles, hair tumbled across his forehead.

[thewordofweb.livejournal.com]

I falter at that, a sharp wave and a roil in my stomach assaulting me and I lean up to kiss him, palm gently brushing that hair off his forehead and thumb stroking the warmth of his cheek. "Please don't be," I beg. "I'll be careful. I promise I will be."

[soldier-singled.livejournal.com]

"I'll get over it. I promise."

He shifts, weight onto one hip as he spreads lube on his fingers and reaches down between them, rubbing gently before he pushes on hand into Webster.

"I swear."

[thewordofweb.livejournal.com]

I swallow hard as I wait for him and spread my legs and hitch my hips up, breathless and undone with too many emotions to speak of as I stare at him with need in my expression. "Joe," I exhale, catching his gaze with a hand. "I love you," I say firmly. "I love you."