[For Chase]

[thewordofweb]

The snow has begun to fall in such a way that I've been driven back to civilization. It's put me right back where I started and now I wake up to a daily reminder of all the things I've lost. It's like the weather is telling me that no matter how hard I try and escape this, how fast I try and put the past behind me, it's always there when I open a new door.

Sweets is long gone, an annotated footnote in my past, but I think that being driven back to where I started is a sign that I need to go back to square one with other things, as well. This is how I've found myself across from the woman, unsure of seeing a female for my issues, but I need to talk to someone.

"Have you gone over Dr. Sweets' notes?" I ask, after a long silence becomes unbearable.

Comments

[grandpursuit.livejournal.com]

Chase nodded. "I have," she said, "though I'd like to avoid viewing you through his lens as much as possible."

She set her notepad on her knee, over her crossed legs, and looked at him for a moment. "I understand that it might be difficult for you to open up to me, particularly after having already done so with Dr. Sweets, but... perhaps you could just start with why you're here, talking to me."

[thewordofweb.livejournal.com]

"Originally, I might have told you it was for anger issues, stress regarding the war, those kinds of things," I admit, not wanting to delve too deeply into the fact that I baited Sweets into hating me, wanted to turn our therapy session into a zero-sum game wherein I could win. "But lately, it's more depression. Well, again. My steady boyfriend vanished," I explain quietly.

[grandpursuit.livejournal.com]

"Oh..." Chase's brow furrowed in sympathy. "That's terrible. I can't even imagine what it must be like to have a loss like that without any sort of closure. Was he someone that you met here?" From her time here on the island, she thought that this phenemenon of people vanishing on a daily basis was perhaps one of the most damaging things to the morale of the people here on a whole. Not only for the ones who lost - but because of the day-to-day worry that you could be next. There was a certain amount of stress added to relationships simply with the knowledge that there was a higher-than-normal probability that any given day could be your last. She wondered if it made people here more reluctant to get close to people.

[thewordofweb.livejournal.com]

"I'd known him three years before during the war. Things were...antagonistic and very close all at once," I muse, not sure how best to describe Joe and myself, but I suppose that fireworks is the closest I can get. Loud, hot, explosive, and beautiful -- fizzling out in a hot second. "I know that he has a home to go back to, I've even seen it. I'm just selfish because he's not here with me and my bed is cold at night and I don't have anyone to tell that his hair is too long and his jeans are too low," I say dully, my voice barely moving in any direction high or low. "And I had a family and now I just have the remnants of what he left behind."

[grandpursuit.livejournal.com]

Chase wondered if it helped at all, knowing that if you went home that person might be there. Though at his mention of a cold bed, her mind flashed unbidden to Bruce. But she pushed it away; this was not about her.

"That's not selfish, it's human," she said. "Of course you miss him. You should. But worry would be if your grief is causing you to shut down with others. How are your relationships with other people in your life?"

[thewordofweb.livejournal.com]

I raise a brow at that and have to remember that she's new in my life and that she won't instinctively know everything about me in the wink of an eye. "I'm...not entirely natural at being charming and easy-going. I tend to be something of a difficult man, so...my relationships with other people aren't exactly the best on a good day."

[grandpursuit.livejournal.com]

"Is it easier that way, do you think?" Chase asked. "Not to get too close to people?" She paused and then added, "Though I imagine that you endear yourself to despite being... difficult, tend to be closer to you in the end. Like your boyfriend."

[thewordofweb.livejournal.com]

"My ex-boyfriend," I correct quietly, because I'm under no delusion that our relationship continues now that he's gone. No matter where he is, we're not a couple anymore. He's either home in a land of intolerance or he's back to a war of horrid crimes and disgusting acts of humanity. "And I don't know, I've never really had close friends. I'm sure it would be lovely to be close with people, but my personality never permitted me the honor."