[For Blair]

[thewordofweb]

After everything, I can't believe that the one thing I reserve the most cowardice for is something I won't even face the consequences of until later on tonight or tomorrow. Whenever Joe starts picking up and finds it. I'm so fucking terrified that I've found myself on Blair's doorstep with my hand on her door, knocking as lightly as I can in the event I disturb Serena.

"Blair, prinzessin, it's me. I need to see you," I beg in a guttural and low tone, desperate as it gets.

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[filmstarbeauty]

If Blair hadn't known that there weren't any homeless people on the island, she would have sworn that it had been some sort of bum that had woken her up. They were prone to doing things like shouting sketchily at people and the walls weren't exactly brick.

After waking up to a level where she could stumble to her door without tripping over anything, she pulled back the hangings and frowned at the figure.

"Kenyon? What's going on?"

[thewordofweb.livejournal.com]

I let out a shaky breath when she appears to me like some kind of angel (of life, of death? I don't know) and I let out a miserable sort of sound. "I'm a fucking coward," I admit, my voice barely there. "I die and all I can do to tell him is leave the obituary out in plain sight."

[filmstarbeauty]

"What?"

He's not making any sort of sense, but maybe she's not fully awake or he's the one who is out of it. Stepping fully outside, she frowned a bit more before going to take him by the wrists. "Come inside, and tell me what you're talking about. Dead?"

[thewordofweb.livejournal.com]

"Dead," I confirm as I take a large step inside the house, prompted by her tug and my forward sway. I manage a terse smile in her direction, feeling awkward and strange at once. "I found my obituary," I quietly murmur. "And I just left it out. Today. For him to find."

[filmstarbeauty]

"How?" No sooner were the words out of Blair's mouth than she received her answer. An obituary. Figured. Only the island would both cruel and to the point. It wouldn't know tact if it came up and bit it in the ass. "Oh my god. But, that's...that doesn't make you a coward."

[thewordofweb.livejournal.com]

I just shrug, barely able to reply because 'how' is simple and it's not. "I am thirty-nine years old," I narrate wearily and warily, careful and quiet. "And I take my boat out away from my wife and my three kids," I say, voice shaking on this part like it always does. "And five miles from shore, I vanish and never come home. And no body is ever found."

[filmstarbeauty]

"Your wife and three kids," Blair repeated, the words coming out in a slow and monotone voice. The idea of Kenyon being thirty-nine and married with three kids blew her mind. It made sense, because well he had to get old, they all did. It just seemed impossibly far away. "Wow. That's...oh my god. I'm so sorry."

[thewordofweb.livejournal.com]

I just manage a flicker of a shadow of a smile. I'm still too torn up about this and I shrug, shoulders tense. "I'm twenty-three now, so..." I trail off, knowing that impending doom is never very easy to talk about. "Joe's going to know by tonight. I don't know what's going to happen."

[filmstarbeauty]

"That doesn't make it any less unfair." Blair tugged his hands, dragging him backwards further into the living room part of the hut until her calf bumped against familiar furniture. "Come on, let's go talk in my room so Serena won't wake up and...we'll figure something out."

[thewordofweb.livejournal.com]

I nod, grateful for Blair and all that she did for me, wandering with her and clasping her hand tightly, wanting to just hover until we had a solution. "When I go home, he's going to know. And that I haven't told him. He's finding out from a piece of paper."

[filmstarbeauty]

"Then you get to tell him again. But he's going to know like you know and it'll be fine. I promise it'll be fine."

It was a false promise and she knew, but Blair's life was full of false promises and half-lies. It was things she didn't want to share and trying to protect people, but she had to do this.

[thewordofweb.livejournal.com]

"I don't think it will be, Blair," I admit wearily, sinking down onto her bed when it becomes the only point I can imagine sagging onto, my thoughts seeming heavier than my physical weight. "What if fate is already set out? What if you just can't change some things?"

[filmstarbeauty]

"What? Like you suddenly getting married and having three kids with some girl you haven't met yet?" Blair sat down across from him on the bed, having a strange momentary feeling of deja vu. "Because what are the chances of that?"

[thewordofweb.livejournal.com]

"You never know," I say and it's actually a joke and I smirk right across the bed before shifting to lie down, resting my head against her knee. "Joe could always end up a woman. I could knock him up a couple of times and then sail out to sea and die."

[filmstarbeauty]

"I don't think that's how this place works. The island would have him lose his temporary baby before that happens. It likes tragedy in mass." If there was one thing that Blair knew, she knew that this place was all about cruelty and possibly inhumanity. Its sense of humour was completely lost on her. "Deep breaths. Think about it."

[thewordofweb.livejournal.com]

I breathe in heavily and press my forehead hard against her knee and try to exhale normally, but it still comes out shaky. "I don't want to think," I mumble, words sticking together. "I spend all my time thinking. I am constantly thinking. I just want to stop thinking."

[filmstarbeauty]

"I know how that feels." Boy does Blair ever. Sighing, she bit her lip, at a loss for how to fix this. She was supposed to be good at fixing those she loved when they were broken, but what happened when she couldn't? "Thinking sucks."

[thewordofweb.livejournal.com]

"Yeah," I agree hoarsely, peering up at her with blurry eyes, shifting until I can move up and wrap my arms around her waist, just lying there. "Skinny and Grant say I'm always thinking. Always thinking about everything too goddamn much. I don't know how to turn it off," I admit.

[filmstarbeauty]

"If you think too much what does that say about me?"

It didn't say anything good, that was for certain. If anything it said a lot of doom and gloom and chill out. But she'd spent three days chilling out and that hadn't worked out well either. She needed something else.

[thewordofweb.livejournal.com]

"That we're very peas in a pod," I say and give her a tired look. "Let me just rest here before I go face things," I plead. "Let's just...not think. Okay?"

[filmstarbeauty]

"Two miserable little bitter peas in a pod. Lucky us." Blair was certain that was why she kept being spit out. No one wanted to keep her around. Flopping backwards on her bed, she nodded. "Okay. I can do that."

[thewordofweb.livejournal.com]

I shift and ease closer until I'm curled up with her in only the most platonic of ways, finding that comfort can come easy when it's like this. We can just be. I shift and offer her a tired smile. "Thank you, Blair," I murmur. "I love you to bits, you know that, right?"

[filmstarbeauty]

"I do, mostly because I love you too." Even though she sometimes wondered if he'd would love her less and want to coddle her if he knew all of the dark and painful things about her.

[thewordofweb.livejournal.com]

"Alright, I need to sleep," I mumble and flash her a smirk on my face. "If you want to use this as a story against potential boyfriend suitors, I'd choose now as a good time to invite them over accidentally while forgetting I'm here."

[filmstarbeauty]

"As if." Blair grumbled, elbowing him lightly. "And if you snore, I shoving you off the bed, for the record and then going to go sleep in Serena's room."

[thewordofweb.livejournal.com]

"Deal," I guarantee, though I know that I hardly ever snore, no matter what Liebgott says. If I can just focus on getting through today, if I can just do that, things will be fine.

Or that's what I keep telling myself.