[For Liebgott]

[thewordofweb]

The obituary had been burning a hole in my pocket for weeks now. The couple of them. I'd been keeping them from Joe, tucked away in secret places he would never look, thinking I would tell him everything over dinner one night, some throwaway mention as I brushed my thumb against his palm, a soft '...so about our future, I may not be in it?' That's not going to happen. First came that fucking uniform and then Joe got his brain near-stolen.

So I've left it. I left it amidst the piles of his homework and I went to find Blair to try and find some absolution over my being such a coward. Now, I have to go back. It's been hours and if he hasn't found it, then I'm in trouble from being gone during dinner. If he has found it, well, I don't know what to expect, but I don't think it's going to be good.

I lean my head on the door for what feels like eternity. It's only five minutes. I count quietly, one-one-thousand...

This is going to take as much bravery as any jump and I push the door open and close it behind myself, just standing there and waiting to see what's going to happen.

Comments

[soldier-singled.livejournal.com]

Joe watches Web simper over the obituary and every inch of his expression is disgusted. He feels wrong just from having held it in his hand.

"Can't you see, you fuckin' idiot?" he snaps, shoving at Web with one hand and staying close, in his face. "That, isn't you! It was, once, yeah, but now we're both here and that's nothing...nothing to do with us."

[thewordofweb.livejournal.com]

Even if he shoves me, I give resistance and stay in just as close. This is personal but no doubt the sounds will be heard outside. I just can't bring myself to care. "Some things don't change. How do I know if this is one of them?" I demand. "I'm sorry!"

I told him before and now it's coming out again, louder than the last time, more firm. "I'm sorry, okay?" I don't say anything more because I don't know what else to say. I still believe it will happen. Some things you don't change. Fate...it's one of those things. "I'm sorry, but I die. And there's nothing to say it won't happen here. Besides," I mutter, almost too quiet for him to hear, "it's not like you'll still be with me sixteen years from now."

[soldier-singled.livejournal.com]

"You don't get to do this to me, you fucker." Joe shoves Web backwards, hard enough that his back hits the wall. "You don't get to do all this to me, take me this far from everything I've ever fucking known, and then leave me. You don't even get to fucking thing about leaving me."

[thewordofweb.livejournal.com]

When my back hits the wall, anger rises in me and I debate hitting back or doing something, but for the moment, I take it. I let the anger burn and bubble and I press my back against the wall and just watch him. "Do this to you?" I echo, and maybe I won't keep that anger in. "I haven't done anything to you! Would you stop saying that, would everyone just stop..." I sputter, the rage cutting me off as I clench my fists and release them, pushing him to try and get him off me. "I wanted you, I love you," I spit the words at him. "I didn't do anything to you, I didn't change you or force you, I didn't!" I wildly insist, jaw set. "I didn't make you do this! I didn't do this to you."

[soldier-singled.livejournal.com]

"I thought you were fuckin' smart, asshole." Joe swallows hard and looks down, so close to Web that he can feel the heat off his body. "You're the only one who could get me here. You're the only one I want."

He turns his back.

"I fuckin' love you, you asshole." He remembers saying it before, but it's taken this long to come to his lips again. "I fuckin' love you, and I am not, not gonna lose you like that. Fuck that. Fuck you too."

[thewordofweb.livejournal.com]

I scramble to get around him, to grab hold of his wrists and stare at him while my lips are pressed together so hard I feel like if I bite them I'll draw blood and my vision is blurred by the wetness in my eyes and all I can do is grab at him. "Don't say that," I beg, not the former, but the latter. "Don't say that, don't..." I plead and give a choked sound of desperation. "I die, Joe," I say, voice boyish and thin, reedy almost. "I don't want to die, but I don't know if I get to stop it." That same choked sound is wracked out again and the tears fall without my even wanting them to.

[soldier-singled.livejournal.com]

"Not."

Joe repeats it, eyes fixed on Webster's face. "If you're telling me that that's how the fuckin' world ends, after everything we've got and everything we've done, then fuck you, Webster. You find that piece of paper, and then that's it, that's us, forever? Fuck that. Things change, Webster. Things change because we're fucking here and I fucking love you, you asshole. I don't want anybody but you and if that ain't enough then what the fuck are we bothering for?"

[thewordofweb.livejournal.com]

"Because you can't control everything, Joe," I say quietly, not daring to take my eyes off of his face. I inhale sharply, a deep sniff, and try and set myself back in order. I didn't believe him when he said those three words before. Maybe now I do. Maybe it just took time to sink in. Bullshit, though. I know he loves me. I believed it then, too.

I slip away from him, my body going, and I stare at him blearily. "Five miles offshore," I repeat quietly. "Sharks, they think."

[soldier-singled.livejournal.com]

"So don't go five miles off shore." Joe's jaw was tight, colour flushed in his face, so hot it hurt.

"I can't do this. I'm not going to fucking lose you like that."

[thewordofweb.livejournal.com]

How many times have I said this to other people? "You're stronger than I am, Joe," I note, with no great happiness in my tone. "You're strong enough to go on, you're strong enough to deal. And you're strong enough to stop. I don't know if I am." I meet his eyes, begging, pleading. "I can't just not ever go out there again. I love you, you know I do, but a life without the ocean...?"

[soldier-singled.livejournal.com]

"Fuck that."

Joe walks away from Web, puts his back to the wall in the far corner of the room, arms folded across his chest. Every inch of his posture was tense, defensive.

"So you'll keep sailing and you'll fuckin' leave me the same way as you left her, whoever she is, only, this time, you will have done it your fuckin' self. You selfish fucking asshole."

[thewordofweb.livejournal.com]

"Give up haircutting, give up baking, give up...give up the thing you love most outside of people," I get out. "You are what I love most in this world," I say, leveling down on him and crossing the room to try and forcibly unfold his arms, to try and get him to see sense. "I just...Jesus, Joe, I love it out there," I plead, getting closer and trying to get his eye contact. "But I don't want to leave you. I don't. I don't want to ever leave you, Joe. Not ever. Not today or tomorrow or five or ten or fifty years from now! Do you know what that means?"

[soldier-singled.livejournal.com]

"Means I'm stuck with you."

For as long as they get. He's stuck with him for as long as they get, but, Jesus Christ, they fought a war, either of them could've died. People die. It happens, which doesn't mean Joe's got to like it.

"Just promise me you'll be fuckin' careful, you asshole."

[thewordofweb.livejournal.com]

"If you actually came out there with me, you could watch for yourself," I point out as I carefully snake my hand around his waist and lean in, not sure if we're done fighting just yet. My back might get a bit of an ache from the shove, but it's nothing compared to what could have happened. "I've never wanted to be serious about anyone in my life. You?" I get out, that choke in my throat back, for different reasons. "You, I'd be willing to bring home to my parents and earn my father's fucking scorn for. My sister would love you. Cam, too," I say with a quiet laugh.

John? Well, might disown me, but that's brothers for you.

[soldier-singled.livejournal.com]

"I don't think I'm ready to bring you home to my Ma, but yo ain't got any concept of how scary my Ma is."

He actually manages a smile then, leaning back into Webster's hand.

"Maybe I'll start coming out there with you."

[thewordofweb.livejournal.com]

"If she's anything like you, lieb, I have some concept," I assure him, leaning forward as all my weight heaves onto him, like I've been bearing it alone so long and I can't take another moment of it. "If you came, we'd stay shallow. Fish, eat, anchor down, fuck," I list off the possibilities as I let out a quiet sound of content, resting my head on his shoulder. I'm tired. I'm weary. I'm still terrified and lost.

And there's something else. "You really love me? Like...you love to screw me or Shari and Luz love me?"

[soldier-singled.livejournal.com]

"I ain't marrying you," says Joe, one hand coming up to rest warmly against the back of Web's neck.

"But, if I did, I wouldn't be runnin' away. Nobody'd have to come fetch me." He pushes is fingers through Web's hair. "But, yeah, I love to screw you too."

[thewordofweb.livejournal.com]

"Don't take this the wrong way, but like I said. I don't really want to get married, ever. To you or anyone else, here," I say, not knowing what circumstances led me to it at home. I suppose societal demands could have been all that was necessary. That and grilling from my parents. I don't say anything about a family, about kids, because the truth is, the more I think about it, the more I've started to waver on my stance. It wouldn't be so bad, not that our situation allows for it.

"So you really are stuck with me for good," I say in awe, as if everything's just sinking in and my breath is a huff of shock as I gape at him. "Joe. I need to tell you something else," I say, leaning my forehead against his. "I quit therapy."

[soldier-singled.livejournal.com]

Joe frowns, still stroking the back of Webster's neck.

"Why'd you do that? I thought it suited you, talkin' to the Doc like that."

[thewordofweb.livejournal.com]

"He's my age and he's never going to understand what we went through," I say with a quiet little sound of pleasure at the way Joe's touching my neck and I curl up with him, something else coming to mind that I haven't noticed (or I've been forcibly blind to). "Is this why you leave your pillow instead of bringing it in every night?" I ask, sliding my other arm around his waist to ease in close, eager to get away from the topic of my therapy.

[soldier-singled.livejournal.com]

"I fuckin' live here," says Joe, gently, his other hand resting between Web's shoulderblades. "Stupid to keep carting my pillow back and forth for the pretense..."

[thewordofweb.livejournal.com]

"Guess I should have been clearing out space for you," I admit and lean in again, setting us up so the wall can bear our weight. A heavy sigh and I close my eyes, still resting my head on his shoulder. "You fucking love me," I say with an ounce of smugness, laughing as if shocked as I ease in and stay close to him. "Jesus. And you are stuck with me. In an always kind of way, Joe. I hope you get that."

[soldier-singled.livejournal.com]

"Ain't like I can't keep my shit next door," he murmurs, cradling Web against him now that all of the fight's gone out of him.

"I get that. I said it, didn't I?"

[thewordofweb.livejournal.com]

"Hey, Joe?" I murmur, exhausted and peering at him as I step back. "Take me to bed? And then screw me really, really hard as you fucking can."

[soldier-singled.livejournal.com]

Joe smiles, not as broad and as bright as can and does, but genuine, even if he's a little tired around the eyes. He leans in and kisses Web warm and firm and deep, holding o to the back of his neck.

His hips nudge forward like it's the most natural thing in the world.